


Pwned, Literally

by ThoughtWarfare



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: F/M, Humor, Satire, this is probably going to get very silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-16 13:40:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9274523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThoughtWarfare/pseuds/ThoughtWarfare
Summary: "I own Ladybug and Cat Noir.""You own the important part, their likenesses."





	1. Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> the latest chapter of 'do you remember love?' is trapped on my busted tablet so to keep me occupied until its fixed i threw this together.
> 
> it's based on a spider-man story but it's going to go in a very different direction.

Gabriel Agreste put the paperwork down on his desk and looked up at his assistant. "Summarize it for me."

Nathalie gave one crisp, millimeter-precise nod before saying, "Six months ago we purchased the Apex Footwear Company. Apex, among its various holdings, has the former property of the now defunct We League, including the Digital and Online Arts Association. One of the entities in the association, which was really just a company administering various art-related websites, is Doodle Do Dot Fr.

"Doodle Do claims trademark and copyright ownership of all uploads for its paying users, but among their various exceptions is a listing for anything based on - and I quote - 'the likenesses of public figures and/or persons living or dead,' which the company retains for itself. On the day of Ladybug and Cat Noir's first public appearance, user BakerZdozenLOL uploaded a sheet of drawings titled 'sketchdump after brain exploded' that include detail-accurate renderings of Ladybug and Cat Noir. That drawing was the first to appear on the web of the heroes. Ever. The end result is that we own their likenesses and licensing rights. Fully and legally."

Gabriel Agreste was long in replying. "And how was this discovered?"

"During an asset audit, an administrator at Doodle Do noticed the sketches and realized what they signified."

Gabriel did not acknowledge the explanation. He stood up from this desk, walked across the severe white office to the large windows, and looked out at the sunny day with his hands clasped behind his back. "I own Ladybug and Cat Noir."

"You own the important part, their likenesses." Nathalie turned on her tablet. "I have value projections for when we sell-"

"We're not selling."

Nathalie blinked, mouthed the words she had just heard, and then looked up at her boss again. "We're not?"

"No. I have other plans. We need to start with some legal action. There are entities producing Ladybug merchandise, yes? Find the five biggest and sue them for an outrageous amount. Have someone in legal draw up a list of about a hundred unreasonable stipulations for using Ladybug's likeness, something with which no one could realistically comply. But tell them to be careful - I don't want to see a viral video of some single mother sobbing her eyes out because she can't make and sell insect-themed hair decorations out of her kitchen."

Nathalie dutifully typed up the instructions, even as her brow drew together. "And why are we doing this?"

"To establish our ownership. We will settle the suits in exchange for all the current merchandise being pulled from the shelves. If we do this right, in two weeks the only images of Ladybug that anyone sees will be those approved by myself."

Nathalie practically had a unibrow at this point, her face was pinched so tightly. "Why?"

Gabriel turned to spare her a quick look. "I am a concerned citizen of a city under siege by magical forces. And now it is within my power to define our protectors. It would be irresponsible to give that up."

"Very well, sir." Nathalie tapped her tablet one last time. "I'll go brief the legal department." She turned to go-

"Also, destroy this 'BakerZdozenLOL' completely. She paid for the website, yes? Get her name or credit card number or whatever. Put a dirty-tricks team on it. Ruin her credit, get her fired from her job, sue her for everything she owns, harass everyone who has any contact with her, and destroy her reputation so thoroughly that even the most righteous pro bono lawyer will cross the street to get away from her."

Nathalie face was pinched so tightly it actually hurt. "Again: why?"

"Ladybug and Cat Noir are mine. There will be no voices countering that."

"Sir, BakerZdozenLOL - she is Marinette Dupain-Cheng."

"I will take your word for it."

"We _know_ her, sir. She's the high school student who won your derby hat competition. She- she gives gifts to Adrien, gifts that he values for more than their physical worth. I believe that they are friends."

Gabriel turned fully to meet the eyes of his assistant. "My son is friends with the girl who gave us legal ownership of the likenesses of Ladybug and Cat Noir."

"Yes, sir."

"I see." Gabriel Agreste turned back to the window and said, "Then we will have to be subtle about this."

Nathalie kept her sigh of relief completely silent. "Yes, sir."

**TO BE CONTINUED?**


	2. Kidnapping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys are so great i had to write this up today!

Adrien knew his life was about to hit a new level of STANK when he walked out of school, opened the door of his limo, and found Nathalie sitting there trying to smile at him.

Nathalie had a very nice smile, or at least Adrien thought so both of the times he had actually seen it. Every other moment, though, she kept her face under professional control, only choosing to make those emotional displays that were part of her job. She did a great job mimicking disappointment, and had his dad's 'angry pursed lips' look down cold. But smiles? Nathalie was terrible at faking smiles. She tried for toothless smiles, and just wound up looking like she was stifling a sneeze.

So Adrien froze and said, "What's wrong?"

Nathalie continued trying to smile. "Nothing is wrong. It's such a nice day, isn't it? A perfect day for spending time with friends."

To Adrien's shame, one of his trigger words was 'friend,' and so he immediately forgot his worry and started to say, "Nino hasn't left yet-"

"Oh, look, it's Marinette Dupain-Cheng," Nathalie interrupted. "She's such a good friend. Let's give her a ride home."

"But she lives right across-"

But Nathalie was already darting out of the limo to grab Marinette's arm as she passed and dragged her inside like some kind of viper in a pants suit. Marinette didn't even have time to scream.

Adrien was more than a little horrified.

Then Nathalie grabbed him, too.

* * *

Alya was left standing alone on the sidewalk in front of the school.

Nino walked up and said, "Did Adrien's nanny lady just kidnap Marinette?"

Alya considered that. "I think so."

"Huh. Think we should call the police or something?"

Alya felt a smile growing on her face. "Nah. A good kidnapping might be just what that relationship needs to get started."

* * *

Marinette was _not_ having a panic attack. She just liked the specific rate of respiration she got from hyperventilating. The lack of oxygen helped her think.

And she needed all the help she could get. She had been kidnapped into a limo by Adrien's nanny lady and Adrien was sitting _right next to her_ with his leg _touching_ hers and he was totally staring at her.

Marinette briefly stopped pan- _hyperventilating_ to smile and wave at him.

Just as she about to start again, the nanny lady said, "Marinette Dupain-Cheng, I have a message from Adrien's father."

Adrien blinked, "My father? Nathalie, what's going on here?"

Marinette swallowed and scooted a little distance from Adrien so that she could no longer feel his distracting body heat through her pants leg. "Gabriel Agreste has a message for me?"

The nanny lady - Nathalie - made a facial expression that kind of looked like a smile. "We've notice what a wonderful, supportive, attractive friend you've been to Adrien, and we want to show our appreciation?"

That was kind of weir- wait, attractive? "Wait, attractive?"

Adrien was blinking. "Well, Marinette is a really nice person..."

Nathalie nodded and lifted a leather portfolio off the seat next to her. "Marinette Dupain-Cheng, since you're such an accomplished and talented designer, we feel that the best possible way to support you in turn is to bring you into the 'Gabriel' house. This is a contract for lifetime employment by 'Gabriel' with an excellent entry-level salary, full benefits, and complete creative freedom. Just sign your name (Marinette Dupain-Cheng) here to make all your dreams come true right now. There's also the standard riders about 'Gabriel' owning your work in perpetuity that you've ever produced in your whole life and..."

Marinette was nodding along, not quite sure that this was actually happening, still more than a little disoriented by both the kidnapping and Adrien's slightly dairy-esque smell so close to her. Nathalie opened the portfolio to reveal the contract within and shoved it forward, so Marinette just accepted it into her hands on auto-pilot.

"...your own office in a major satellite location," Nathalie was continuing, "with opportunities for relocation in no more than fifteen years..." As the details of the offer continued to unspool in rushed words, Marinette found a pen pressed into her right hand, and Nathalie tapped a line at the bottom of the contract with a big X next to it. "Just sign 'Marinette Dupain-Cheng' right here and we'll get the formalities out of the way..."

Marinette moved the tip of the pen to the X-

-and Adrien slapped it out of her hands.

"Nathalie, what are you doing?!" Adrien pulled the contract out of Marinette's hands with one hand, and raised his other arm like a barrier between her body and his nanny lady. "You're stealing Marinette's whole life and- and pressuring her into it!"

Those words unlocked something in Marinette's brain, and Adrien's slightly cheesy musk was no longer lulling her into a drunken state. "Yeah," she said, leaning her stomach against Adrien's strong, supportive arm. "Not that I wouldn't be interested in working for 'Gabriel,' but these are intimidation tactics. And-" A chill swept through her heart. "You want to take all the designs I'll ever make in my whole life and ship me to a satellite location? What the flanking fur, lady?!"

Adrien giggled. "That's so cute." Marinette felt her face warm up, but Adrien shook his amusement away and scowled at Nathalie again. "Anyway, Marinette's right. I recognize this, now. Father never does anything with his satellite locations unless he's trying to steal something."

Marinette blinked. "Your dad steals things?"

"Oh, it's completely legal, and it's nothing that all the other major businessmen don't do. But that doesn't mean it's nice. Or right." The limo slowed, and Adrien reached over her to open the door. "Come on, we're at your home." He practically lifted her from her seat and out of the limo.

"Thanks."

"No, I'm just sorry about all this." Adrien put his hands on her shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes. She had always known that he had green eyes, but the magazines hadn't quite captured how _vivid_ the color was. "I'm not going to let my dad do this to you. I'll call you later when I find out what this is really about. Can I have your phone number?"

Marinette was ready to give him whatever he wanted, and readily offered him the required digits like some kind of mathematical hussy. "Really, Adrien, thanks. Maybe everyone else does this kind of legal jackassery, but it says a lot that you won't go along with it." She put her own hands on his shoulders. "You're a good man, Adrien."

The brilliance of his smile was totally worth the whole kidnapping-corporate-jackassery thing.

She stared at him as he got back into his limo and picked up the argument with Nathalie again. She stared as the limo drove away. She stared into space as she stumbled into her parents' bakery, and she was still staring when her mom greeted her with a hug and said, "Are you okay?"

Marinette sighed happily. "Adrien touched me!" Then she took a breath, focused her gaze on her mother, and added, "And I think I need a lawyer."

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	3. Imposters

Adrien was mad, and he wasn't going to let anything stop him.

He marched into the main 'Gabriel' business offices, emanating waves of indignation (and the scent of camembert) over how his friend Marinette had just been treated (and also a Ladyblog post he read on his phone on the way here that said the recent lack of Ladybug merchandise in stores was not due to a shortage but a mysterious recall). Nathalie trotted behind him, hurrying to keep up with his righteous stomping, while his bodyguard trailed quietly like a glacier at the rear. Adrien ignored them, though, making his way through the marble foyer and fluorescently-lit hallways, past ceiling-to-floor windows and around hapless janitors. He stalked right up to the door to his father's office and reached for the handle.

"Stop," came Father's voice from behind the door. "I'm having a working session. Wait until I call."

Adrien stopped by reflex and took up a patient position next to the door.

No, what was he doing? He was supposed to righteously burst in on Father and tell him off for trying to badger Marinette into selling her soul and/or her designs. He wasn't going to let politeness stop him. He went back to the door and reached for the handle again.

-maybe he should knock first?

While he thought about it, he took a step to the side and was soon waiting patiently beside the door again.

Adrien was starting to suspect that he had some kind of a complex about his dad.

Five minutes later, Father's voice once again sounded through the door: "Whoever it is may enter."

Adrien sighed with relief and hurried into the office before he could change his mind.

He tumbled to a halt at the scene he found within.

This was the worst thing imaginable.

Worse than finding his dad dressed as Hawk Moth or something ridiculous like that.

Worse than finding a black hole that was about to capture and crush the entire earth.

Worse than finding his _mom_ dressed as Hawk Moth or something ridiculous like that.

Gabriel Agreste was standing next to Ladybug and Cat Noir, inspecting their costumes and making marks on them with chalk. He looked up as Adrien entered, his cold eyes focusing for a single instant before he turned back to the superheroes. "I presume your presence means that Nathalie failed to secure Marinette Dupain-Cheng's signature."

Adrien tried to nod, but he was a bit distracted by Ladybug and Cat Noir.

Of course, they weren't the _real_ Ladybug and Cat Noir. It was easy to rule out the latter, because _Adrien_ was the real Cat Noir, and he hadn't figured out a trick yet for being in two places at once (but he was holding out hope that it was some kind of destined magical upgrade). It was easy to see that this Ladybug wasn't his Bugaboo, as well, because this one was almost two thirds meters tall and had boobs as big as Adrien's head.

Also, their masks covered their eyes with opaque white lenses.

"Um," Adrien said.

Father stepped back from the super-imposters, looked them up and down, and gave a nod. "I think we're done for this session. Go give your costumes to the assistant and you can return home for the day. Be sure to read and memorize your character descriptions by tomorrow."

The Ladybug left without a word, already unzipping the front of her outfit as Adrien quickly averted his eyes. He'd seen women undress before during his modeling work, but none of them had been dressed as the love of his life or had been quite _that_ curvy and no, no, no, no, he was not going to let his mind wander along those lines, he loved Ladybug for her character and would be content to never see her naked if only he could die with the image of her smile fresh in mind and anyway her suit probably didn't unzip in the front.

His mind saved from depravity, he returned his attention to reality to find the ersatz Cat Noir- all two meters and 125 kilos of him - standing in front of him and smiling. He held his mask in his hands, revealing dull brown eyes. "Adrien Agreste! Really pleased to meet you! I'm Félix Rocheux. Maybe you've seen me fight?"

Adrien blinked. "Fight?"

"Yeah. I'm a professional MMA fighter." He took a stance with raised fists and bobbed from foot to foot. "Maybe you've seen my matches? One of them was even televised!"

"Oh, uh, sorry, I don't really follow, uh, fighting stuff."

Félix's face fell before he blinked his way back to a friendly smile. "Well, that's okay, I'm retired now. I'm very appreciative of this chance your dad is giving me, and I just want to do right by you guys. I really admire how accomplished you are as a model, and I was wondering if maybe you could give me some tips? You know, teach me how to pose like a superhero? I was thinking of incorporating some feline motions into my movements, you know?" He curled his fingers like claws and batted at the air in front of his face like there was a string of yarn hanging there.

Adrien was wondering how to respond when Father snapped, "Félix, get out."

"Yessir! Sorry, sir!" And so Adrien was treated to the sight of a giant, muscle-bound version of himself hurrying out of the office while trying to work the zipper from under his costume's collar bell.

That took him a moment to get over, and by the time he did, he had completely forgotten why he had wanted to burst in on his dad and have an argument.

Oh, yeah, Marinette!

"What are you trying to steal from my friend?"

Father clasped his hands behind his back. "You're referring to Marinette Dupain-Cheng?"

Adrien groaned. "Can we all agree to stop referring to her by her full name? We all only know one Marinette! Let's just call her 'Marinette.' You know, like she's a normal person and not a robot or something!"

Father blinked. "Adrien, there's no call for raising your voice."

"Sorry." Adrien once again remembered why he was here. "No, wait, I'm not sorry. I'm upset! You sent Nathalie to try to trick Marinette into signing her life away!"

Father nodded. "I did."

"Why?!"

"She's talented."

"So hire her properly! Don't make her sign away everything she's ever doodled and exile her to your Philadelphia office!"

Father turned and walked over to the massive windows. Outside, a perfectly manicured garden sprawled out as a kind of living inspiration piece. (Adrien thought it was creepy how all the bushes had been shaped into perfect squares.) Father said, "Adrien, I think it's time you opened your eyes to the true nature of this Marinette."

"True nature?"

"Clearly, she's trying to seduce you so that she can inherit my business and fashion empire."

Adrien just stood there for a moment, trying to understand what his father had just said. He understood all the words individually, but not all together like that. He settled on a, "Wut," as an appropriate response.

"Certainly. I have no objection to you taking her as a girlfriend or mistress or wife or baby-momma (or whatever your generation is calling it), but I need to protect what I've built. If she signs the contract, you two are free to follow your feelings and explore your future together. If it doesn't work out before you marry, I shall simply void the contract. Just because I have the legal right to take her for everything and utterly destroy her in every way that matters doesn't mean I _will._ Clearly."

Father turned around, looked at Adrien with a completely serious expression, and said, "Surely, you recognize that I am too nice a guy to do such a thing."

Adrien both completely believed that and didn't believe it all.

While his brain tried to work that out, he turned his focus to another matter. "You think Marinette likes me?"

Father nodded. "The signs are all there. She's clearly infatuated with you."

Huh. That _would_ explain why she went into seizures whenever she got close to him. He just figured she was a diabetic who lived in a dessert bakery, a difficult situation indeed.

But wait, if Marinette liked him, what was he supposed to do about that?

Lost in thought, he wandered out of the office.

* * *

Before she turned to follow Adrien, Nathalie looked to her employer. "Does Marinette Dupain-Cheng truly harbor romantic feelings for your son?"

Gabriel shrugged. "How am I supposed to know? I cannot even recall what she looks like."

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	4. Event

Adrien came into school late due to a photoshoot, and when his eyes met Marinette's he almost shrieked in terror.

Thankfully, he managed to limit the effect to merely stumbling over the tip of his own sneaker and having to grab his desk to avoid faceplanting on the floor.

After giving whispered assurances to Nino that he was fine, everything was fine, thanks for asking, Adrien took his seat and tried very hard not to think about the girl sitting behind him who apparently wanted his hot model body. In this, he was unsuccessful, just as he had been all the previous day and night after the meeting with his father. Marinette liked him! Like, _like_ liked him!

Now he knew how Ladybug felt about Cat Noir.

Actually, no, he didn't, and that was half the problem! If he just could have considered Marinette as a potential girlfriend and wife and mother of his three planned children (Louis, Emma, and Hugo) and caretaker of the family corn snake - that would have been manageable. But there was the 'Ladybug Factor,' namely that Adrien's true love was for Ladybug. But he had no real idea where he stood with Ladybug! She valued their partnership, and their friendship, and good golly could that girl _flirt!_ But she had yet to kiss him and dramatically declare her never-ending love for him, which he had always been counting on to let him know her true feelings.

And there Marinette was, a little blushing embodiment of NOTICE ME SEMPAI. Adrien found that maddeningly attractive; he wondered for a moment if he was watching too much anime, but quickly dismissed the notion.

And Plagg had been no help, the night before. The kwami's advice had consisted of, "Just mate with them both. I don't pick between two delectable bits of cheese, I just do what I do." Trying to point out that most humans mated for life and preferred one partner just left Plagg shaking his head and muttering something about it all being too complicated.

Lost in his distractions, Adrien coasted through the school day (it was only Physics and Algebra II and Chemistry, nothing that really required his concentration) and was hoping to slip away before Marinette noticed him. Maybe he could leave in Chloé’s company and go with her on her latest shopping trip, just to-

-the thought so revolted him that he was frozen in place at his desk long enough for Marinette to say, "Adrien! Did you talk to your dad?"

That was surprise. He had expected her to ask if she could kiss him.

-oh.

Oh, _no._

He had completely forgotten about the kidnapping and thieving contract!

Adrien turned around and looked into Marinette's eyes, trying to figure out what to say.

(Wow, her eyes were such a lovely shade of blue.)

(No! Down, boy!)

The only thing he could do was be a man and take responsibility for getting distracted. Then they could have an honest and open conversation about it all that would hopefully-

" _What?!_ " came Alya's screech.

The whole class turned to look at her, and she in turn stared at her phone. "The Ladyblog is offline because my host got a _Cease and Desist_ from 'The Ladybug and Cat Noir Corporation' for 'unauthorized use of likenesses.' What is this garbage?!"

Adrien blinked. The Ladybug and Cat Noir Corporation? What was that? There was no such thing, as far as he knew. And everyone knew that the Ladyblog had the approval of Ladybug herself, as much as it sometimes vexed her with trying to figure out her secret identity.

Unless-

"That's it," Alya said. "I'm going to straighten this out right now." She headed for the door.

Marinette called after her, "Where are you going?"

"To see Ladybug and Cat Noir themselves! They're appearing at a merchandise event downtown, and I'm going to be there."

Wait, what? Adrien didn't have any scheduled appearances, as either himself or Cat Noir. He had to investigate this! He hurried after Alya.

He didn't notice that Marinette was on the move, too, until they both got stuck in the classroom door.

"Oh, uh, sorry," he mumbled.

"Oh, uh, no problem," she stammered.

"So, uh, this is nice."

"Oh, uh, sure. Nice!"

"Oh, uh, I'm not hurting you, am I?"

"Oh, uh, not at all. It feels good. _I mean I'm good._ With this?"

"Oh, uh, great."

"So, uh, r- read any g- good books? Lately?"

"Oh, uh, none as good as you. I mean-."

That's when Nino shoved them both out of the way.

* * *

One quick, very awkward metro ride later, Marinette was with her friends in the downtown Zag Shopping Center, pressed tightly together amidst a crowd of fervent Ladybug fans. There were kids and parents, teenagers and adults, nice fans who just wanted to spend some money on polka-dotted products and a creepy fan talking a little too loudly about his plans for the sexy manga he as totally going to draw about Ladybug someday just as soon as he taught himself to draw.

Everyone was convinced that Ladybug was going to appear here. The people, the giant banners hanging from the walls, and even the nice emcee up on the stage who was asking everyone if they were ready to see the real Ladybug and Cat Noir.

The crowd answered, "Heck, yes!" (For the most part. Creepy manga guy substituted a more explicit word for the "heck," prompting Nadja Chamack to cover Manon's ears.)

"Then here," the emcee answered, "they are!"

And so Marinette watched as Ladybug and Cat Noir stepped out onto the stage in the center of a shopping mall as the crowd went wild.

Or rather, Marinette watched as two massive figures in really high-quality costumes with frosted silver lenses on their masks stepped out and waved to the crowd.

Wow, those two were big. The Cat Noir had muscles that were somehow visible through the heavy leather of his costume, and the Ladybug's boobs seemed to mass more together than Marinette's whole body.

The pair stalked and strutted, joking with the crowd and taking full control of the mood. Children clapped and Creepy Manga Guy drooled.

Only Alya had the presence of mind to say, "That's totally not them."

"They do seem a bit bigger," Nino agreed.

"Are you kidding?" Adrien shook his head. "Those two look nothing like Ladybug and Cat Noir! They're- they're massive and old and bulgy!"

"Very bulgy," Marinette confirmed, trying to figure out how the Cat Noir got the leather to cling so tightly.

"It's those eyes that bother me." Alya shuddered. "I've never liked it when superheroes are drawn with those blank white eyes."

"On the other hand, those two have _something_ going on." Nino gazed up at the stage, captivated. "There's something- something kind of- of magical about the real Ladybug and Cat Noir. Like I could never mistake them for cosplayers, you know? Something super. Those two on stage are kind of like that."

Adrien snorted. "These two just have great costumes, charisma, and modeling tricks." He pointed at Cat Noir, who was pawing the air like there was a bit of yarn in front of him while a gaggle of fangirls whistled. "The real one never does _that._ "

"Well, it doesn't matter," Alya said. "See that banner over there? It says this whole event is 'courtesy of the Ladybug and Cat Noir Corporation.' They’re the jerks who shut down my blog! I'm going to have a word." She started pushing her way through the crowd.

She got no further than Creepy Manga Guy when the fake Ladybug took the microphone and announced, "Who's ready for some Official Ladybug merchandise? Before now, anyone could slap my face on a box and sell it, but now you can be sure that only Official Ladybug product is available! Be sure to look for the Ladybug Seal of Quality, awarded only to those items that I've _personally_ approved."

The way she said 'personally' made Adrien flinch, Creepy Manga Guy giggle, Nadja Chamack cover Manon's ears again, and Marinette cringe. She did not sound like _that_ unless she was on top of Cat Noir's athletic form and tapping his little bell while delivering a double entendre.

-wait a second-

While Marinette had a sudden crisis about whether or not she wanted the real Cat Noir's hot body, the fake Cat Noir took the microphone said, "The stores are open! Ladybug and I will sign anything you present to us with a valid receipt! Do your best, everyone!"

Then the crowd surged forward and Marinette was carried like a cigarette butt on La Seine. She grabbed for Alya and found a set of strong hands that clasped her own, and it wasn't for several torturous moments of jostling and shoving that she realized she hadn't grabbed Alya at all.

She had grabbed Adrien.

And he was grinning at her blushing.

Huh.

What was she supposed to be doing again?

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	5. Journalism

Alya knew that a lot of people thought she went overboard with her Ladyblog. Documenting adventures, indexing all the videos and pictures across the web, spotlighting fan works - that was all fine. But as soon as she risked her life running into the middle of a superhero battle to get some shaky phone-cam footage of a freak with bleached skin and a zoot suit ranting about the unreasonable difficulty of filing an address change for a magazine subscription?

That's when people started giving you funny looks and making 'Lois Lane' jokes.

Still, Alya didn't let that get her down. Her Ladyblog had become a major hit, and all that shaky phone-cam footage was now starting to be rented by real news agencies. For actual money! (To her parents' consternation.)

So whoever those lawyers were who thought they could shut the Ladyblog down with a frivolous (probably) Cease and Desist order, they were about to discover what it was like to go up against a teenager who considered almost being used as a human sacrifice in a dark magical ritual to be an overall positive experience.

To that end, Alya shoved through the crowd of Ladybug fans and fought her way to one of the stores participating in the merchandising event. She just needed - ah, that would do. She grabbed the item off the shelf and turned to make her purchase.

"Hey," a ragged voice call out. "I was going to buy that!"

Alya shrugged but didn't stop walking. "Sorry, I have an emergency that requires the immediate purchase of this-" She looked down at the plastic cylindrical package in her hands. The label proclaimed that it was a wrapped-up Official Ladybug Body Pillow featuring a high definition picture of that fake Ladybug, complete with creepy frosted lenses on her mask. "-this weird-butt body pillow."

"But I _need_ a Ladybug body pillow to do research for the manga I'm going to draw!"

"I hear Amazon offers free shipping on them," Alya said before she ducked behind a glowing display of Official Samsung Ladybug Smart Yo-Yo's and doubled back through an aisle lined with Official Ladybuggy Remote-Control Cars. She lost the weird guy, but was subjected to a lot more images of that unsettling white-eyed stare. Who thought it was a good idea to dehumanize the image of Ladybug by covering those kind eyes?

Alya paid for the body pillow (with only a mildly disgusted stare from the cashier) and took it and the receipt up to the autograph line. While she waited, she texted Marinette to find out what happened, but got no response. She texted Adrien, but didn't get a response from him, either. (Hopefully for related reasons.) She then texted Nino, who immediately responded to ask if she could spot him some cash for an Official Cat Noir Bluetooth Speaker Set. (Alya told him to go jump in La Seine.) Finally, she reached the front of the autograph line. She looked up from her phone at the fake Ladybug and Cat Noir.

Wow.

These two were _big._

And fairly spectacular.

Fake Ladybug smoothly took the packaged body pillow out of Alya's hands and started signing it with a gold pen. "Thank you for your support, citizen!"

Fake Cat Noir took the package and signed his own name. "Wow, I didn't even know they made these things. Is there one for me?"

Fake Ladybug giggled. "I don't need a body pillow when I have you beside me, Kitty!"

Fake Cat Noir grinned, held his hands up like paws, and made a grumbly sound that was probably supposed to be purring.

Behind Alya, she heard approximately a million cameras go off and capture the moment. Getting an idea, she grabbed her own phone, turned on the recorder function, and held it towards Fake Ladybug. "So, why was the Ladyblog taken down?"

Fake Ladybug went still. "I don't know anything about that."

"The site host got a Cease and Desist and now the biggest Ladybug media archive on the web is lost." Alya saw Fake Cat Noir motioning frantically to someone off to the side, and so took another step towards Fake Ladybug. "Is this part of the strange new rebranding you're doing here with the white eyes and ULK!!"

Alya hadn't meant to say ULK, and in fact it wasn't a word that was part of her regular vocabulary. Nevertheless, it immediately sprang to mind as an appropriate exclamation as two burly men in black suits grabbed her by the arms and literally carried her away.

She was set down in front of a severe woman who she recognized as Adrien's nanny/assistant lady.

Okay, she could work with this.

Keeping the phone's recorder on, Ayla said, "Marinette told me about you, Miss Nathalie, and how you're trying to bully her into signing a weird contract. Any comment on that, why the Ladyblog was taken down, or your connection to either?"

Miss Nathalie showed no expression. She just said, "As a matter of fact, I do," and then yanked the phone right out of Alya's grip to throw it behind her shoulder. Alya heard a distant crashing sound as Miss Nathalie continued, "Tell your friend that it will be better for everyone if she signs the contract. And as for the Ladyblog, it will be restored as soon as you replace all your logos and banners with approved Ladybug and Cat Noir images."

Alya blinked. "You broke my phone."

"I will have a brand new one sent to you. With a free Official Ladybug Waterproof Phone Case, of course."

Alya blinked again. "What is going on, here?"

Miss Nathalie motioned, and the guys in the black suits came back to lift Alya up by the arms again. As Alya was carried away, Miss Nathalie said, "Ladybug and Cat Noir are now properly trademarked, and soon Paris will see them as the gods they are. We're doing a public service.

"And it's just good business, of course."

* * *

Hawk Moth reached out across the city of Paris, honing in on the sweet scent of outrage, anger, hurt, and a burning need to shove someone's head into a toilet bowl.

It was that particular mix of energy that was Hawk Moth's stock in trade, the fuel with which he turned fragile mortals into monsters that could tear down the gods. He used that energy to forge weapons, to weave costumes, to stretch and recolor and strengthen and _corrupt._

He let his mind follow that scent, chasing the stench through the streets, into the city's downtown, into one of the more ugly shopping malls, through a crowd to one who burned with injustice.

He opened the fullness of his mind and examined his latest subject.

It was-

-a young man who wanted to draw dirty Ladybug comics while stretched out on a Ladybug body pillow, but the last pillow in the store was purchased by someone else.

Ugh.

Sometimes, Hawk Moth really wondered if this was all worth it.

"Greetings, Fanboy," he said, trying to put as much false cheer into his voice as he could manage. "I am Hawk Moth. Your rightful property has been taken by an- no, I can't do this." He shook his head and sighed. "Look, I find you completely pathetic. Seriously, I think Ladybug is, like, fourteen. Your sordid obsession disgusts me. However, you're ticked, I need a new monster, and there aren't a whole lot of other options right now. So you get me those Miraculouses, and I'll- I don't know, I'll buy you a body pillow off of Amazon or something. (Can't use my normal account, or I'll be getting weird suggested purchases for the rest of my life.) So, what do you say?"

"Ladybug and Cat Noir will rue the day they failed to satisfy the Fanboy!"

Hawk Moth sighed. "Sure. Go get 'em, tiger."

Seriously, what was he doing with his life?

**TO BE CONTINUED**


End file.
